Giving and receiving criticism can end up being difficult and emotionally charged situations. Both require us to check our ego at the door so that criticism can be given gently and accepted humbly.
But how do we actually get to where we can offer it without being reactionary and receive it without being offended? I recently had a conversation on my podcast about this with Julie McNeely, the Worship Ministry Director at the church where I lead, for the sixth leadership culture characteristic in our series: Criticism is Given Gently and Accepted Humbly. Julie and I began our conversation with how to receive criticism.
Humbly Accepting Criticism
If we want to be effective leaders, we need to stay open to constantly improving. Several sources of truth can help us pursue this type of growth in our lives.
First and ultimately, the Lord convicts and shapes us through the Holy Spirit and His Word. Next, most high-level leaders are very self-aware and take time to assess themselves and their leadership regularly. But we also desperately need people around us to love us enough to give us honest feedback, just as we owe it to the people who serve on our teams to call out the best in them.
Of course, having criticism come your way can stir up many emotions, and how we react speaks to the motive of our hearts. If we are in the flesh, our initial reaction will be defensiveness. When we immediately get offended, we often go after the person who has critiqued us.
It is incredibly freeing, though, to realize we don't have to be offended. Instead, whenever criticism comes our way, we can recognize that we have two opportunities. First, we have the opportunity to glean if there is any merit to the criticism. As Julie wisely pointed out, whether the criticism comes in a life-giving way or not, we have a responsibility to take it before the Lord to see if there is any truth we need to hear about ourselves or the decisions we have made.
Secondly, we have the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive criticism. Many insecure, ineffective leaders - leaders who never grow - spend so much time defending themselves that they never model how to humbly take criticism. As James 1:19-20 reminds us, we are all called to be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” So, we can listen and silently pray, “Holy Spirit, help me hear if there is any truth in these words. Help me hear Your truth.”
Again, we don't have to get offended or be reactionary. We have a Savior who endured criticism yet never handled it sinfully. If you are struggling with this area, if you have been sinfully criticized, remember that you can approach Him for mercy and grace to help you even in this. (Hebrews 4:15-16)
What about when we are the ones who need to deliver the criticism?
Gently Giving Criticism
I appreciate the wisdom Julie shared when she reminded us all that criticism should not be reactive as leaders. It needs to be intentional and crafted carefully in cooperation with the Holy Spirit.
There will be times when we need to communicate critiques to those we lead. Here are a few things Julie and I have learned we can do to help us be sure we do not criticize from a reactionary place:
- Step back and think about the things you love about that person first. Intentionally consider what you are thankful for about them.
- Deliver your words in a way that the person you are addressing can actually hear and receive. Not everyone receives criticism in the same way, so you will need to approach different people in different ways.
- Be sure you are already consistently giving people words of encouragement, like deposits in a bank account, so when the time for criticism comes, you are not over-drafting that relationship.
- Offer a “compliment sandwich” - share some of the positive things you thought through about them, share one needed area of growth, and then follow that up with words that will be life-giving for them.
Also, before offering criticism, you can ask yourself these questions:
- Do I have all the information?
- Do I have any prideful motives?
- Have I sought wisdom from other people who can speak to this?
- Have I brought it before the Lord?
- Is this just a personal preference, or would hearing this be truly beneficial to this person?
There will be times, after answering these questions, when your criticism never gets delivered. The Holy Spirit may even reveal that you need to back up and give Him room to work.
Why does the giving and receiving of criticism matter? Because there is no growth without criticism. Julie noted that if we look at points of spiritual growth in our lives and put them on the timeline of our walk with Jesus, many times, the initiator of those seasons of growth probably came from both rightly and wrongly delivered criticism. Words that caused us to pause, ponder, and then prayerfully pivot. We cannot just put our leadership on cruise control, never caring to notice if we are going in the wrong direction. Humbly accepting and gently giving criticism can be a great gift to you and those you lead.
To hear even more from our conversation, listen to Episode 6: Criticism is Given Gently and Accepted Humbly Ft. Guest Julie McNeely here.