Nothing can create a toxic work or ministry environment quite like dishonesty and gossip. Ministry is already emotionally demanding enough. So, why would we want to waste emotional energy by fostering unhealthy relationships where everyone is venting and talking about one another instead of resolving issues with each other?
I invited Asheton Amerson, Pastor of Adult Ministries at the church where I lead, for a conversation on my podcast about the eighth leadership culture characteristic we strive to maintain: Honesty is a Given and Gossip Doesn’t Exist. Asheton’s background and work with our biblical counseling ministry made him the perfect person to ask for insights from on this topic.
HONESTY IS A GIVEN
We all want honesty to be a part of our churches, ministries, and organizations. As Asheton points out, honesty is rooted in the character of Christ, and Christ is an honest person. As Christians who are called to be like Christ, we are called to be honest people. Also, when it comes to our work and ministry environments, people do their best work and the Lord is most glorified in an environment where honesty exists.
Of course, for honesty to be a given where we lead, we must first demand it of ourselves. This isn't just about you being honest with others. It is you being honest with you.
Asheton had some great insights into this that he tied to Jeremiah 17:9, which tells us, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" It's good to know this about yourself - that your first go-to reaction may not always be honest, forthright, or transparent. A mature and self-aware person will also honestly critique themselves in order to see their weaknesses and where they need to repent. They realize they need to recognize these things in themselves before looking for them in anybody else. When you see yourself first, you see other people differently.
This is why Jesus says in Matthew 7 :3-5, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."
As a leader, you and I need to let the Lord begin with us personally. We need Him to work on us first before we look at anyone else.
GOSSIP DOESN’T EXIST
I would define gossip simply as unedifying talk that is not meant to make the team better, but rather it is used to appease our own frustrations. Typically, what is inferred by gossip is that I am not even talking to the right person. I am talking about someone instead of to someone.
Certainly, we will all have times when we find ourselves deeply frustrated with another person, and we would love nothing more than to let somebody else know just how upset we are. So, how do we kill this urge to gossip? Asheton and I discussed two wise choices we can make when we feel tempted to talk badly about another person:
1- We can take our frustrations to the Lord.
All that we say to the Lord is completely confidential, and He is the safest place for us to bring all of our thoughts and feelings. If we humble ourselves to His Spirit and allow ourselves to be guided by His Word, listening and not just doing all the talking, the Lord will help us see ourselves more clearly. He will also help us recognize if we need to give grace to that person and get over what happened or if we should go and confront them in a loving conversation.
2 - We can process our frustrations with a trusted friend.
What is key here is that our motives matter. We cannot handle things with the Lord the holy way only to go to our friend next and be completely negative. We have to ask ourselves why we want to talk to another person. Are we just trying to get someone else to side with us, or are we sincerely seeking the wise counsel of a mature believer who will tell us the truth? Are we using "venting" as an excuse to actually gossip, or do we have a true desire to know how to make things right?
Of course, the problem isn't always the gossip coming out of our own mouths. What if it’s the other way around? What if someone comes to us and we can tell they only want to gossip? We can kill gossip by kindly stopping them and encouraging them to take the hard but good step of having a conversation with the person they are upset with.
Ultimately, gossip doesn't help anyone, and it certainly has no place within the family of God. As Ahseton summed it up so beautifully, no one has ever gossiped about another person, then walked away and said, "Well, that really fixed the problem. Life is now better, and King Jesus has been more glorified because I got into a room and spoke negatively about somebody with no intent to make it better, to resolve the situation, or to reconcile with that person."
We must commit to speaking words that are edifying - words filled with grace and truth. And when problems do arise, we need to talk TO people instead of ABOUT them. How seriously we wage war on gossip will directly impact how much unity we experience in the places where we lead.
Asheton and I had so much more to discuss on this topic. I hope you will listen to all of Episode 8: Honesty is a Given and Gossip Doesn’t Exist Ft. Guest: Pastor Asheton Amerson on your favorite podcast app or here.